Posted on by pgio

Concept, screenwriting, voice acting, production: ahead-of-the-curve comedy podcasting keeps building an audience

Take a trip into the fabulous, occasionally luxurious, and altogether dusty world of the mildly evil! Season 5 of this 4–7 minute character sketch podcast is rolling out right now. I’ve been writing, voicing, and producing all aspects of the show since 2019.

Dr. Wuorno’s House of the Mildly Evil was conceived as an animated web series in 2007. The camera would push POV into the creepy curio shop of weirdly cursed artifacts, and Dr. Wuorno himself would always engage the silent viewer in a game of sinister salesmanship. My brother Tom and I wrote four scripts back then. I picked up the project again more recently and turned that short stack into a pile.

The episodes are crafted to work well as radio theatre, with obvious possibilities for animation. Our producer discovered Dr. Wuorno pitched much better as a half-hour narrative show, so I came up with a few new characters and an exciting way to open up the story. Materials available upon request.

Here’s the script for an episode from the first season of Dr. Wuorno’s House of the Mildy Evil.

EXT. Dr. Wuorno’s House Of the Mildly Evil – AFTERNOON
A tasteful sign reading “Dr. Wuorno’s House of the Mildly Evil” sits above the awning of a handsome curio shop, set several steps below street level. We are POV throughout.
Lightning, thunderclap
Announcer
Welcome, my friends –
We push down past occult symbols emblazoned upon the awning to the window.
Announcer (CONT’D)
– as we again descend –

In the window, a small well-dressed skeleton

screams,

lying arms crossed in his plush, propped-up coffin, and a clockwork raven

caws

as fat, wriggly worms pop out of its mouth.

Announcer (CONT’D)
– into the hell on Earth that is –

We push left towards the shop’s door and down the stairs as the

creaking door

swings open before us.

Announcer (CONT’D)
– Dr. Wuorno’s House Of the Mildly Evil!
INT. Dr. Wuorno’s – CONTINUOUS
Inside: dim, Old-World charm.
WUORNO
Welcome back, my friend! I was just about to close the shop to take my midday meal! But here you are. Let me ask you – are you hungry? Hungry for something… malevolent?
Classical music plays, restaurant sounds
WUORNO (CONT’D)
Imagine: you have before you a sumptuous repast, full of the finest French cuisine! Here, a cold zucchini gelée; there, a soufleé of honeyed Gruyere and Irish peppercorns; next to the rich Burgundy wine, a terrine of Colombian duck liver paté, wild shallots and pickled mesclun greens; and before you, a rack of beef, succulent with rich red a jus! But one thing is missing, is it not? The beef is terribly, terribly bland. Perhaps you need… some See Salt?
(giggling)
Yes, See Salt! Why, here is the shaker – glass and steel, completely unremarkable. Take it, won’t you, and shake a bit on your entrée? Now, I beg of you, take a tiny bite!
Lighting, thunder
WuORNO (CONT’D)
Mua-ha-ha-ha!
Pastoral noises; SFX as appropriate
WuORNO (CONT’D)
What do you see? Why, suddenly you are grazing in a peaceful paddock! The grass is green and so delicious! Then, the fire of the burning brand sears your haunch, and you are marked forever! Soon, you and your friends are herded aboard a train! Days later, you shuffle down the chutes of a slaughterhouse, panic rising, looking for an escape back to the green paddock you once knew, when, without warning, a steel bolt to the head, and you wake up, the fork still in your mouth, your fleshy gobbet of beef yet unchewed!
What madness is this? Why, my friend, it is of course the See Salt! For its particular brand of evil is to let you see through the eyes of the animals you would eat! How cruel! How unspeakably unsettling! Dare you ever consume meat again when, without the See Salt, it is unutterably boring? Ah, the conundrum is delicious in its simplicity! Savor the flavor of chops and steaks, at the price of your sanity? Or live with the flat, unfinished taste of meat without salt? There is no way out!
Lighting, thunder
WuORNO (CONT’D)
Mua-ha-ha-ha!
What’s that? Yes, I suppose you could just use regular salt. It would taste just the same, certainly. But it would not have that frisson of evil, would it now? And if you’re shopping here, I must assume you want at least a little evil. A bit? Just a shaker full? No?
Well, perhaps the See Salt is not for you. I’m just going to sprinkle a bit on my gumbo and take a bite…
Splash, underwater sounds

WuORNO (CONT’D)
Oh no, I am under water, sifting through the muck with my mouthparts, wriggling my many legs! Oh no, I am caught in a trap! And – there goes my head! It’s shrimp gumbo you see.
Lighting, thunder
WuORNO (CONT’D)
Mua-ha-ha-ha!
Oh, you guessed that already.


Well, it is still delicious – and quite disturbing! Now, really, I must close for lunch. But come back whenever you like, for there is always something devilish brewing at DR. WUORNO’s HOUSE OF THE MILDLY EVIL!